It’s like…being the only one in a room full of crowded people.
It’s like…listening to the sound of silence.
It’s like…being able to walk.
It’s like…walking through a rainstorm.
It’s like…hearing the voice of God.
It’s like…being sure in the fact that everything works out.
It’s like…that one great conversation with a friend.
It’s like…being alive in this moment.
It’s like…not knowing what tomorrow brings.
It’s like…letting go and losing it in praise.
Yeah. It’s like that.
I was thinking the other day. Kind of dangerous, I know, but I was. There’s a lot going on right now in my life. I have situations stemming from roommates, school, work, life…all of that stuff rolls all together into one big stress-attack on my life. There are several ways I deal with stress. I play video games and kick the crap out of things for a while. I read books. I write things like short stories, articles, posts for rpgs, and, blog posts. I pray. I sing. I spend time with people. One of the main ways I deal with stress, however [and maybe one of the worst ways] is to talk to others about it.
There’s a lot of stuff inside of my head, and it’s all floating around in there like a big jumbled ocean of disaster. Seriously. One of the few ways I can make sense of all of it is to write. I write in a journal. I write in this blog. I write other things. Writing is easy, I can spill out whatever I want onto the page. I also pray. Praying is hard for me. I get distracted like whoa [which, of course, is sometimes satan's intention]. I often don’t know what to say. And, I’ve been brought up with the idea that complaining to God is a bad idea.
I was also brought up in a home where it wasn’t really beneficial to share problems that I was dealing with because there were much bigger problems in our home. There was a hard divorce, and because of that I became pretty sheltered inside of myself, especially in high school and my first year of college.
I look back at that time and don’t even recognize myself. I was fake when I came to college, and I don’t want to be fake when I leave. Its hard to imagine that at one time I was that person…hell, that I was that person even just two years ago. I want to be real, open, vulnerable. I want people to know me, to understand me. The problem is that I live in a culture that is more and more about removing the traditional relationship and replacing it with an electronic substitute. We chat online, blog, play online video games, and generally avoid reality as much as possible. [ask the 10,000,000 people who play World of Warcraft, for example].We take the personal and make it completely private. We’re raised to believe that we all have to deal with our own problems, and if you can’t deal with the problems on your own then there’s something wrong with you.
But, where’s the line between open, and oversharing? Where’s the line between vulnerable and pathetic? How much are we supposed to keep to ourselves, and how much are we supposed to share? The idea of being completely open with people and vulnerable with people like the Christian idea of accountability and fellowship seems to profess is stopped short at a certain point. At some predetermined point, we all know when we’ve ‘said too much’. It’s a cultural thing, I think. We are taught by our parents and friends while we grow up that there is a line, as well as the general area where that line is.
I don’t think that there’s a real problem with having some sort of imaginary cultural line to stop the outpouring of useless information. There is a certain point where the information stops being useful, and begins to descend into idle words that don’t really mean anything, but you spill them out anyway.
It becomes a problem when the line is set so that we don’t share anything personal. There have been so many times that I’ve kept serious problems to myself simply because of the idea that ‘no one’s going to care’ or ‘they don’t really need to know’ or even, ‘it’s my problem and i need to deal with it myself’. We end up suffering alone, when we don’t need to. It’s a trap designed to cause us to fall because we have no support.
I don’t really have some kind of ‘fix it’ plan for this, or even a beginning suggestion. I think everyone has been on one side or the other of the line, listening or speaking.
I am full of dross.
Lord, burn me.
Rescue me from the alloy of pride and self-righteousness.
Purify me in the flame of your truth.
Beat me into your sword.
Let me be a weapon in the fight for souls of the lost people.
A loose sword is useless.
I am only effective in your hand.
Bend my will in your forge, Father.
You are the blacksmith, forming a new creation from this lump of iron.
Be ruthless with the scrap-metal of my life.
Burn it away until I am nothing but a tool for you to work with.
Here I am.
Break me.
The man who knows that he might be robbed, keeps his treasures hidden away where the thieves cannot steal them away. It does not matter how the treasures are protected, as long as they are safe from thieves. He does not worry about his possessions when he sleeps, nor when he goes out and about his business.
The foolish man keeps his treasure in plain sight, and often does not even notice when one of them goes missing until it is far too late to get it back. He is robbed often, and each time replaces his treasure with something else. But, even then he doesn’t learn from his past mistakes. He continues to leave his valuables out so that he can be robbed. When does the cycle end?
It is a slow fade when you give yourself away. When you are living in the black and white, and suddenly you look up and everything around you seems so gray. It starts with the little compromises, the ones that you may not even notice. It might start with the song you hear on the radio, or the program you watch on tv. It might start with a pop-up advertisement. The small things get taken away first, the things you might not notice right away. You might not pray as often. You might skip out on reading the Bible for a few days. You might even watch something that you know will draw you away from God. It does not matter what kind of excuses you make for what you’re doing, or why you’re reading/listening/watching whatever it is your watching. Sure, you can tell yourself that it’s for a debate with a friend, or it’s so you can know what’s out there that could attack you. It is still affecting you, from the minute you start watching/listening/reading it, until long after the sound has faded or the book is closed. And this leads to bigger things. You begin to lie to people. You begin to make more excuses to why you can’t hang out, or why you can’t be there for them when they need you. It leads to skipping out on church for weeks in a row. It leads to stealing. It leads to gossip and slander, and so many other things. It can take any one of these forms.
Soon, you end up so far away from God that you can’t even remember how to get back to Him. You can’t remember what it felt like to be completely serving him, to be a slave to his will, and to understand the joy found in that servitude. You can’t remember what it was like to not have to pretend to be something you weren’t. You can’t even remember how it all began to slide…or if you do, you cannot understand why one event, or one circumstance affected you so much. You have no idea how to begin to move back toward God. You have no idea how to untangle the mess that surrounds your life. You can’t even begin to distinguish an end to a single one of the chains that entrap you. You’re stuck. Or at least, that’s what it feels like.
And this…this has been my life for the past two months. I can’t tell you how it started. I can’t really tell you any specific event that brought me to this point. I don’t know when I began to approve of things that are against God. I don’t know when I began to fade in my slavery to God. If you were to ask me what happened, my response would be ‘I don’t know’. But the truth is, is that I know all too well. It starts with the small things. It starts with the pride of thinking ‘I’ll never fall away again’. Those are foolish thoughts. It’s like putting it on display for someone to steal away.
I know that I have to, and need to turn once more to become like the wise man who hides his treasure so that no one can steal it away, because he knows that it can be stolen. Because I didn’t think I could fall away again, I didn’t take the steps to protect myself from it. I want to be able to hide my entire self in God, so that nothing can take me away from that. So that nothing can make me fall again, so that it cannot be stolen away from me any longer. I want to be able to wake up and have joy in knowing that God is in control of my life, not me. That I involve him in everything, instead of sending him messages [whether intentionally or not] that he isn’t important to my life, or that he doesn’t matter in certain situations as compared to other situations. That I don’t have time for him. That I don’t care about him.
But how?
There are several things tied up in that statement. Not only does it imply that there’s some kind of time frame, but it also conveys an idea that this is not just a lackadasical, good for nothing part of your entire life. So, here’s the thing. The fourth word in that statement is temporary. Temporary, as opposite to permanent, means that it isn’t going to last. It means that some day, this life is going to end. And, we all know the evidence of this…every single person on earth (with the exception of Enoch and Jesus) has died. And you might be saying…what the hell does this matter? Well, I think that the most important point is that you only have a limited amount of time before you die to make any sort of impact on this world.
And, with that in mind, we come to the last word, assignment. Now, the world wants to tell us that this life is all we have, and because this life is all we have, we should live it however we desire. That idea suggests that instead of life being a temporary assignment, it is more of a temporary playtime. Yes, a playtime, where everyone acts like little kids, trying to get to the top of the junglegym, who don’t really care who they step on while on their way to the top. The idea is to make yourself the best you can be right now, and not care about the future. Or, to make the best of your life, make it all about you, and take pride in it. Isn’t that was life is all about, anyway? Or is it about raising your family, carrying on your genes, and making sure the human race survives?
If life truly is an assignment, and not just a temporary playground, then wouldn’t the obvious solution be to find out what that assignment is, and carry it out? And then you might ask…who gave this assignment? And why should I believe that there’s an assignment in the first place? Well, I can’t speak for those who don’t believe, but I know that my ultimate desire when I was young was to make lots of money, and raise a family. The american dream, right? Well, what if there was so much more to life than that? What if our purpose was so great, that we couldn’t even see the results, until long after we were dead?
It sounds rather insane, even as I type it. We have an assignment from God. Now, if you don’t believe in God, then I urge you, repent, because the kingdom of heaven is near! God is all about glorifying his name. He wants us to spread the good news of Jesus Christ to everyone of every tribe, nation, language, and people group. That’s a pretty big assignment. It will take a lifetime to even make a small dent. I’d rather live my life for that, though, than by pretending that I believe there’s nothing more than this life. Everything you have now…everything is going to burn. Stop living your life for things that will just pass away, and instead, store up treasures for yourself in heaven!
It’s amusing to me that I continue to say these things to you (the very few readers that I have) and yet I do not follow them myself. It sort of hit me today, as I was in the doctor’s office, getting shots. I was thinking about how nice it would be when I could do what he does someday. When I can open my own practice, Except, that I don’t think I really want to do that…it doesn’t seem to be in God’s plan for me at this time. It’s a pride issue, I think. I want to be respected in the community. I was looking at Dr. Larew’s pictures and newspaper things that he had on the walls….he’s a coach, a father, a doctor…and all sorts of other things. I suppose if it came down to it, I want to be like that. I want to be a mother, a doctor, a coach, member of the PTA…and all those things that really don’t matter all that much.
I don’t have it all together. That much is obvious.
Just shy of a year ago, I wrote out an entire post on consequences and how we have to deal with them. At the time, I so badly wanted to write about sin, and how God deals with the consequences of our actions, but I was writing for an role-playing game site. Regardless, that is not the issue here.
See, we have consequences to deal with, because a very, very long time ago, humans decided that they wanted to be gods, and so, they disobeyed God’s command to not eat of the apple, from that tree in the Garden of Eden. Now, we have a lot of choices to make when dealing with these consequences…and many of them are not bad choices. We have a lot of good consequences, such as getting that promotion, or finally taking that vacation you’ve always wanted. But, what happens when these things become ultimate in our lives? We constantly strive for the better job, the longer vacation, the hotter spouse, the perfect kids…the American dream of a house, a car, 2.5 kids, and a dog, with a white picket fence, and a perfectly manicured lawn. The reality that doesn’t exist.
But, why do we continue to strive after these things? What is it that we really desire out of our lives, that leads us to chase after perfection? Why is there no satisfaction for this desire? C.S. Lewis says, “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly desires were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing.” If we are constantly striving after this desire, and yet never attaining it, does that mean that it is impossible in this world, or does that mean that something is wrong in ourselves that prevents us from attaining that fulfillment? Or does it simply mean, that we are not capable of understanding this desire in ourselves at this time, and must wait until after we are dead.
If you strive after something in your life so badly that you ignore everything else…are you living a successful, well balanced life? When things become ultimate in your life, when God is not in the center of your life, everything you do is wrong. Everything. If you are walking away from God, or you pretend he doesn’t exist, or you know that you are sinning against God…what are you really striving after? I can’t imagine what it could be…I find myself even more unsatisfied when I walk away from God…I can’t imagine going my entire life without knowing him. Thankfully, God has a plan for us, to satisfy our desire for HIM, which I think is what causes us to strive after everything else. And, we will fail time and time again if God is not with us, if we are not serving him.
The consequences of the one man’s sin caused every single person on this earth to be separated from God, and yet have a desire to be reconciled with him. You can either follow God, submit yourself to his will, with the hope that when you die, you will be reconciled permanently with him, or you can run away and keep striving for the tangible things, the things that you want for yourself, the things that you think you need, the things that you desire so that you look good for others: new cell phone, new car, wife, kids, job, country club membership…the list goes on and on. These things are all going to burn someday. They don’t matter in the long run. I would urge you to stop striving after meaningless stuff, and give yourself to God’s will. Submit to his plan. Only he can satisfy all of your desires.
My heart, and the heart of thousands and thousands of college students, is broken today for those people. There are reports of blame laid on the university, on the security, but the fact remains that the university didn’t do it, the gunman did. And, even though the gunman was from a different nationality/background, there is no reason to stereotype those people for that.
30 some people died yesterday, including professors and students. No one really knows why this person did what they did. My university stands prepared to help, as I’m sure many across the US do.
There is no justification for death. There is no justification for murder. And not only that, but there is no justification even for the death of the shooter. Anyone could have been in his position and reacted the same. The fact that he died doesn’t bring back the people he killed. So, I don’t want to focus on the shooter, I don’t want to focus on why he did what he did, or whatever. Let’s just keep the families of all the people affected by this in our prayers.
If you had three minutes left to talk to someone before they died, what would you say?
If you had five minutes before you died to make one phone call, who would you call?
Why do we always wait until the last minute to tell someone how we feel about them?
I pray that everyone around me would know exactly how much I care about them, so that if I were to die at that very moment, they would know what I wasn’t able to say, they would know how important they were to me, even if I couldn’t tell them for that last time.
Don’t wait. You might not have enough time at the end.
Sure, the title of this post is rather amusing…to me at least. I learned the whole system of saving someone who was drowning as a swim instructor in high school. I did the whole, ‘reach, throw, row, go’ thing. I learned about protecting myself from panicky swimmers.
But the real issue of this blog happens to be about a friend of mine. I’ve long been the type of person who makes friends with all ages of people. I don’t know if it was because I felt so out of place among students my own age, or if it is just preordained in me to be that way. Regardless, I’ve some friends who happen to be a bit younger than me. And when I say a bit, I mean like…15-17 years of age. Just out of junior high…not quite into adulthood. And ‘Carrie’ just happens to be one of those girls. She’s from Canada, and we met through an online forum, and have been talking for about a year and a couple months. It is rather odd, because although we’ve never met in person, I feel that she’s a good friend of mine. And her life is sort-of crashing down around her.
She writes in her own blog:
“I’m drowining in tears, I swear to god. I’m slowly going insane. I know I need help, but I can’t do it, because I’m sure that even the person who I would talk to wouldn’t even really care. It’s not their job to care, it’s their job to try to solve things, or help us solve it, but there isn’t really any attachment there. No one I talk to understands, and I guess that’s why I’m writing this. I just feel so numb to everything now. Everything except pain that is. It seems like it’s all I feel. It’s even getting to the point that I feel like throwing up half the time, and I constantly have a headache.”
What am I supposed to say to her? There’s nothing I wouldn’t give to be able to support her right now. Does that make me weird, because I haven’t ever met her in person? I wouldn’t think so. God is certainly not limited by distance. Sure, there are some things I cannot do. I cannot hug her, for instance, even though sometimes I want to so badly that it hurts. And I find it a limiting factor that she refuses to talk to me if I mention God at all. Her views on God right now are like the illustration of God in Bruce Almighty, which goes as thus: “God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I’m the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he’d rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.”
And she might argue against that, but it sure seems that she feels that way. She’s been hurt, and I don’t know what to say, because everything I want to say has to do with God, and Jesus Christ, and I can’t say them without seriously pissing her off for like the rest of the night. And many times, I just want to shake her and be like..STOP GETTING ALL OFFENDED. But then I realize she’s only 15, and doesn’t understand the concept of listening to others’ opinions without getting all offended. And that last part may sound a bit…mean of me to say, but I just can’t think of a nice way to describe it. I want to reach out to her. I want to be able to bridge this whole, “Don’t talk about God” gap. It is my life and I can’t imagine not talking about it. Indeed, it almost makes me sick to know that she refuses to accept something about me that is so ingrained into every little detail of my life (well, maybe not every detail, but I’m working on that).
Patience is something that comes and goes with me. I like to say that I have a lot of patience because I rarely lose my temper and become truly mad. But I get annoyed. In fact, I’m rather annoyed a lot. I have no patience for people who don’t do their work and yet still get paid. I can’t stand that I work with people who have no self-restraint when it comes to the things they talk about. And it makes me want to scream. Not like…angry. But more of an exasperated, frustrated, drawn-out scream. But I love people. Perhaps a bit too easily, anymore. I can’t count the number of times ‘Carrie’ and I have fought over stupid, inconsequential things. But we always get over it.
I will simply have to be satisfied at the moment with listening to her. With praying for her constantly. Maybe I’m just supposed to plant the seed in her life, and someone else will come along and make it grow. God has a plan for her life, just as assuredly as he has a plan for mine. I just have to hope I can watch it unfold. To watch her grow, and to hope that she becomes the woman that God wants her to be. Its like the practical guide to saving a drowning person: First I have to reach.
I found this today, and I thought that it sums up pretty well what I’d like to do. I can’t do it on my own, certainly, but God can work through me.
The prayer of St. Francis:
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O, Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
———–
The last thing I wrote was about how one half of this country is continually fighting against the other half. Case in point: I happened to be at work the other day, reading a book by Ann Coulter, who just happens to be one of the most controversial ‘right-wing’ columnists in the United States. One of my coworkers happened to see the title (because I made no secret of what I was reading.
The conversation went something like this:
Coworker: You’re conservative?
Me: Yes.
Coworker: I could so tear you apart with my words
Me: …..
I didn’t even know what to say. Here was perfect evidence of the idea that he who argues the loudest, wins. So, he might be able to “tear me apart” with his words. Big deal. It wouldn’t be because he actually ‘tore me apart’ with his words, but rather that I refuse to argue with someone who is so stubborn and pigheaded (unless it’s kyle, but he knows I love him). I absolutely refuse to be belittled and ‘torn apart’ by someone else who has no respect for others opinions. I think that the best argument is the one where no one wins, and everyone walks away knowing a little more about the other side. And with bruises. Bruises are good. They provide learning experiences. Especially pride….pride should always be nursing bruises.
I think I should have been born in 1830. It was a simpler time. The pace of life was slow, unhurried, as if you had all the time in the world to build a life and family. Sure, as a woman I wouldn’t enjoy the freedoms I have today. But, I don’t think I’d care, since I would never have been given the ‘taste’ of this so-called freedom I have now. I’m sure I’d have been an entirely different person. I’m sure that my life would be just as meaningful as it is now. I’d have wanted to be a farmer’s wife. To take care of a family. To raise kids. I could go on, but I’ll spare you all. I’m also very sure that if I were to be transported to that time right now…I probably wouldn’t last the week.
